【雅思大作文批改示范】-飛天小貓Reginald
最近很多小伙伴咨询作文批改的问题。
统一答复一下。
首先，好的作文批改，需要老师能够完全把控雅思写作的评分标准，不仅告诉你这里为什么错，还要告诉你对应评分手册的要求乾安吧，怎样做才能得以提高。
然后，令大家困惑痛苦的是，市面上的雅思作文批改，大部分都只是简单的语法修改。
我们提供的批改模式如下范例：
题目：
Every one should stay in school until the age of eighteen. To what extent do you agree ordisagree?
It has been suggested that there are some benefits for people staying in school（1）before eighteen. I disagree with this opinion, because I believe that manyother methods could be chose according to their personal situations.（2） （3）
1）与题目一样的表达和短语不记字数超时空恋爱 ，不得分。
2）opinion类文章开头只需要给观点，不需要解释，解释全部留在下面。
3）作文开头段三大要素，背景+题目改写+本文大纲。本开头没有完成要求啊。
高分开头范例参考：
With the world in such economic turmoil桔红丸 , many of us face difficult choices in managing our money. Personally九界佛皇 , I feel that saving is preferable to high spending, and Iwill explain why.
（选自剑桥大学出版的雅思范文集，with句是文章的大背景，manyof us 改写了题目，替换词，语法，Personally是回答问题同不同意莫岐 ，加上本文大纲，本文大纲是Iwill explain why，意思是本文就是要解释原因的）
On the one hand, there could（1）be two reasons why staying in school is likely to benefit from （2）fulltime school education. First, staying in school（3） could（4） prevent students form social negativeeffects at an age easily impacted by surroundings, and it in school seems（5）to besimpler. In addition, from the perspective of educationalists天邪鬼绿 , the age of eighteenor less is the best stage to learn knowledges（6） and skills. So what people are supposed todo is that time should be used abundantly and effectively in school （7）toaccept system （8）study for individual （9）long-termdevelopment.
这一段有很多得分亮点哈迷蚩 ，非常好，但也有很多雷点，不得不扣分。
致命问题，Opinion类的文章，结构不是onthe one hand 和 onthe other hand啊，这是discussion类的结构，这个一错就很影响阅卷人的心情了贾承博 。
1）为什么是could？迈克尔奥赫 为什么是过去时鞑靼牛排 ？首先，写作中没有说用could表示委婉语气这个概念，你用了could我们就觉得是过去时了，或者是虚拟语气了，但这都不是。所以起码改成can，但是there be句型中一般不用can，用will，即there will be
2）benefit是及物动词，不要加介词
3）这个短语开头用了，这里第一行用了，第二行还用？下文还在用？我们有4--5种替换表达方法，未必一定替换词语啊。请再去好好温习一下，如何展现你的词汇量。
4）同1
5）最好的表达， in school，it seems to be 更清晰一点
6）knowledge是不可数名词
7）同3）
8）教一个高分词，systematic 这是9分词，意思是成体系的，有系统的，系统性的，放进来也更搭配急宅送。
9）起码individuals’，最好是one’s
On the other hand, I would（1）arguethat school life should not be the whole of teenagers, there remain somemethods could make youths broaden horizon and rich themselves.（2）With the survival （3）stressof live, some teenagers have to participate （4）part-time job （5）anddrop from school to support their family. Although they may not accept systemeducation, they still could knowledges（6） and skills by learning in work（7）and by attending skill training（8）. Besides this, teenagers with uniquetalent in an area may not suit for （9）normal school education. School educationmeans that they have to waste time in general subjects rather than what they talent for（10）. If achild with art talent go（11） to （12） normal school, he is likely to （13）haveless time to acquire professional painting training（14）.
我回看了一下你的开头回应，是disagree，那么上一段你的agree的点就太强烈了。你这样写，起码是partly agree or partly disagree，才能说有好有坏宋大叔教音乐。如果是完全不同意，那么也要写第二段，上学的好处炸鱼不粘锅 ，但是第三段要否定，说尽管如此，还是有很多无法考虑在内的情况，很多的不足。所以我disagree东珈白鲨 。美丽人生下载像你这样没有否定第二段的好处，那么就很难呼应到disagree了。
1）同上一段，但是建议直接I argue就好了波尔多住宅，连will都不需要。
2）这句话是完整的句子了卡通之窗 ，而且前面没有连词，所以不能用，连接起来，不然语法就错了。建议改成前面是。这里There大写。
3）survival是存活，你这个短语是存活的压力，就是能活下来就好。可能更合适的是living pressure 生活压力，面对生活开销的负担。
4）不及物动词濑田水一，participate in
5）jobs
6）could knowledges是完全看不懂的。。。。could learn/gain/get knowledge这里可以用could表示虚拟语气，反而加分
7）learning in workplace是7分短语，workplace是工作场所的意思，翻译成在工作中
8）trainings
9）建议改成may not be suitable for…
10）they are talented for
11)goes 主语是achild
12）a normal school
13）be likely to do用太多了，可以换成be highly inclined to do
14）trainings
In conclusion, staying inschool should not be the whole of youths（1）, I believe that fostering knowledges（2）andskills in different way （3）could（4）also benefittheir future individual development（5）. And （6）it is may be effective for part ofteenagers.
1）与上文完全重复了。在评分手册对结尾的要求中，需要你概述上文，但不允许重复。
2）knowledge不可数
3）way+s，因为different加名词复数
4）can
5）建议删掉，直接benefit their future就好了，加上individualdevelopment反而局限了
6）我不太懂，这句是回应第二段，在学校的好处么？如果是的话，请说although it is may be effective… 逻辑上才更好
Overall神蜂精 ，
Task achievement 5 （using awrong forum, do not response question in a clear way)
Coherence and cohesion 6 (cansee logic somehow金钱哥布林 , but not always. Can see flow between several items, useddiscourse markers with limitation)
Lexical resources: 5 (limitations reduce flexibility, enough to deliver but not flexible)
Grammatical range andaccuracy 6 (minor errors exist, cannot see accurately complex structures andtenses used)
Penalty -0.5 (for a lot ofminor mistakes)
5+6+5+6 /4 -0.5 = 5.0 = 5.0
写在最后：
考生只有在经历了这样的严格批改和作文分析之后，重新学习和练习，才真正有可能快速提高写作能力。
各位加油霍希文 ！
如有疑问，欢迎私信。